


Head Held High

by kyewopen



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Band, Anxiety, Asexuality, First Meetings, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Internet Friends, M/M, Sexuality Crisis, joshler - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2019-07-06 11:26:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15885096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyewopen/pseuds/kyewopen
Summary: Josh and Tyler are Internet friends. They meet for the first time.





	Head Held High

**Author's Note:**

  * For [olgushka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/olgushka/gifts).



> I've been thinking about writing this fic many times during the past few months, and I've only had time to do it now. Many things are based on my experience, or at least, are based on my reflection.  
> My fics are always based on something going on in my life, of course, but this one is even more personal in a way. So I really hope you'll like it. 
> 
> I wrote this while listening to Too Far Gone by Sir Sly, so you can play it while reading if you want :)
> 
> Also, this is a gift for Olga cause she's a very cool friend/awesome human-being.

The bus is slowing down. They’re not quite there yet, but it’s only a matter of minutes now. After a nine hours’ drive, Tyler is finally going to reach his destination. He changes position for the fifth time in thirty minutes and sighs, looking out through the window. His legs and his back start to ache from the inactivity and he can’t wait to be out of this bus.

He runs one of his hands through his hair and lets his eyes wander on the dot to dot picture he’s currently drawing. He used to be ashamed of liking this kind of things but then he realizes some of them were actually quite tricky and he quickly became obsessed. There’s something quite soothing about it, connecting dots in order to form a whole picture, and his favorite part is to try and guess the picture before even starting it. Many people would find this hobby pretty stupid, but Tyler has just learnt through the years that he won’t get anywhere in life if he still cares of what people think of him. He may be a disappointment for a lot of people around him, but he made peace with it a long time ago.

He tries to be his own weird self, doesn’t matter if people like him or not. He’s done paying attention to society’s standards. Of course, it’s easier said than done, and it doesn’t stop him from always comparing himself to others and taking into consideration what his family think of him. Especially his parents. He always found it hard, drawing away from people’s expectations. But he’s trying. Little by little. Maybe, someday, he’ll get there.

He’s so lost in his thoughts he doesn’t even realize the bus entered the station a few seconds ago. It’s only when people start to move around him that he comes around and takes a deep breath.

Cause today isn’t a common day. Today is more important. He’s about to meet Josh for the first time ever, after three years of virtual friendship. Saying Tyler is anxious would be an understatement. He’s not anxious. He’s in complete and utter panic.

He’s scared things won’t go as planned. He’s scared Josh might hate him in real life, as much as he seems to love him by texts or on the phone. He’s scared of many things, but he’s now the only one still seated on the bus and the driver gives him a weird look, forcing him to get up.

Soon enough, he’s out of the bus, awkwardly standing up next to the entrance of the station. Josh told him to wait there by text and Tyler can’t help but to sweep the hall with his eyes, hoping to notice some blue hair standing out of the crowd. When he can’t see him, he just chooses to take his cell-phone and sends him a quick text.

_‘Where are you? I’m next to the entrance, there's also a Starbucks in front of me.’_

_‘Shit. Lost track of time. Be right there’_

At this point, Tyler is pretty sure he’s suffocating. He’s already met some internet friends in the past, but Josh is more special. This friendship is more special, and Tyler sometimes even wonder if this relationship could lead to something more. His heart is pounding against his chest and when he finally sees him walking towards him with the same stupid smile he loves so much, he suddenly can’t bring himself to move.

‘Shit.’ He says, to himself. ‘Stay cool, Tyler, stay cool.’ He adds.

Josh is only a few feet away from him.

‘Oh my god.’ He can’t help saying when Josh smiles at him and this one only lets out a small laugh, speeding up. Next thing Tyler knows, he’s in Josh’s arms, in what seems to be a bone crushing hug.

 _That's it._ He thinks _. I’m so in love_. 

‘Hey there’ Josh says, after a few seconds, and it takes all Tyler’s willpower not to squeal like a high school boy.

‘Hey.’ He only repeats, shyly.

‘Oh my god, you’re even cuter in person.’ Josh adds, smiling, and Tyler’s cheeks turn red.

‘Yeah, well… I’m also a lot more easily embarrassed so if you could stop making me blush… That’d be great.’

Josh only smiles at him for an answer and wraps his arms around his shoulders, taking his suitcase in his other hand. They make their way outside the bus station, and they silently walk for a few minutes in the streets of Chicago. Tyler’s eyes keep wandering around, trying to find something to say. He usually enjoys silence a lot but this one is too oppressive; he just met Josh a few minutes ago and he feels like he has to engage a conversation to prevent things from being too awkward.

‘So… How have you been doing?’

‘Well, pretty good. Nothing new, you know, considering we’re basically speaking every day.’

‘Yeah.’ Tyler says, lowering his head to the ground.

‘You’re doing okay, in there?’ Josh asks, smiling.

‘Yeah, I’m just… I’m freaking out. I mean, it’s been three years since we know each other, and I can’t believe you’re here, and I… You seem so cool about it.’

‘Oh, I’m not.’ Josh clarified.

‘You’re not?’

‘No, I’m shitting myself too.’ He says, laughing. ‘Well at least, I was. But we seem to get along well, right? It’s only been half an hour but… Yeah. I feel like we do.’

‘I feel like we do too.’ Tyler answers, smiling. ‘Thanks for saying this. It makes me feel better. Thought you would hate me in real life cause I’m too awkward.’

‘Tyler, I could never hate you. You’ve been my best-friend for three years. Nothing’s gonna change that, and especially not meeting you in person.’

‘Alright.’

‘You’re good?’

‘Yeah.’ Tyler says. ‘Yeah, I am.’ He adds. ‘What do you wanna do, then?’

‘Well, considering it’s already 8pm. I thought we could head back to my apartment and chill? You must be tired from the drive, anyway. We can go out If you want, though.’

‘I’m pretty tired.’ Tyler confirms. ‘And I’m starving. I’m staying a whole week, we can visit the city later.’

‘Alright. Then let’s go to my flat so we can order some pizzas.’

‘Sounds like a plan.’

And as Josh guides him in the streets, Tyler knows there was no reason to be anxious. He doesn’t think he would ever be able to feel weird around him. Ever since he met him on Tumblr, Josh has always been able to soothe him and make him feel at peace, make him feel safe. He thought meeting him for the first time would damage their relationship, but he was wrong. For now, it only seems to make it stronger.

 

Soon enough, they’re in Josh apartment, slumped on the sofa, a slice of pizza in one of their hands. Tyler is talking about university and he’s amazed by how focused Josh seems to be. He’s listening with such a great attention and doesn’t say anything to interrupt him. He’s only smiling, and nodding from time to time, to make Tyler understand that he’s hearing what he’s saying, not just half-listening while thinking of something else, like every single person does in Tyler’s entourage.

‘I have this internship I have to do, you know? I told you about it. And everyone around me is always asking me a thousand questions about it, and I… I can’t bring myself to even think about it. They just don’t understand how much it… How much everything is stressing me out. Looking for an internship, having to find a job… It’s all so scary. And I always feel so impressively inadequate. I just… I don’t want any of that. When I think about the future… I don’t want any of it, Josh. I just wish I could be really good at something. Like my brother. He’s always been so good at everything, he has so many hidden talents, and I’m here… Being my average self. And the more I go on with life, the more I just feel like I won’t get anywhere. And maybe it’s stupid, you know? Maybe it’s stupid, to be so overly scared of the future.’

‘It’s not stupid.’ Josh only says, after a while.

‘I just… I feel like I have no goal, Josh. I feel like I have no purpose. Nothing makes me truly happy. I feel like I’m sleepwalking through life, without any idea of where I want to go. I wish I could have everything figured out. But I don’t. And I can’t, and I…’

Tyler hasn’t planned to tear up in front of Josh but he just can’t bring himself to stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks.

‘I don’t know where I’m going, Josh. I don’t want my life to be something I have to endure. I want it to be meaningful. I want it to be something I can believe in.’

‘Tyler, your life doesn’t only revolve around your work. I know it seems hard to believe it, but it’s true. Your life is so much more than just your work. It’s only a tiny part of it. Of course, it takes a whole lot of your time and I’m convinced you’ll eventually find something you like but… But if that’s not the case, you can find other things. Things which will bring happiness into your life. Hobbies. Sports. Projects. Anything.’

‘It’s funny because it’s what people always say when I talk about this kind of things. And I always hate them for it. Cause I think it’s just a bunch of crap. To say that your life doesn’t revolve around your work. I’m sorry but it does. It takes all of your time and energy and I know I just can’t live a life where I hate my job. I can’t. Waking up with not the slightest motivation in the morning, having to spend your day wondering why the hell you took the job in the first place, always having a knot in your stomach. I can’t do that. Your work is your life. People who think otherwise are just a bunch of hypocrites.’

‘Are you calling me a hypocrite?’

‘No.’ Tyler answers. ‘You didn’t let me finish.’

‘Then please. Finish.’ Josh says, smiling.

‘When it’s you who say that… I just… Almost believe it.’

‘Almost?’

‘Well, maybe you’re just an overly optimistic person.’

‘Or maybe you’re the one being overly pessimistic.’ Josh says, sticking his tongue out.

‘Maybe.’ Tyler says with a smile.

Half an hour goes by and the two of them silently watch a TV-show. It’s something about zombies. From what Tyler understands of it, it seems like the director wanted the viewers to be empathetic towards them, and to turn the humans into the bad guys. Tyler is honestly caught up in the show for the first forty-five minutes but can’t bring himself to focus any longer after a while. His mind keeps wandering in every direction, and Josh’s presence doesn’t really help him to think straight and clear his head. He has been talking to this guy for more than three years now, and he never thought he would have to wait so long to officially meet him in person. But now that he’s here, next to him, their knees touching, the whole thing is too much for Tyler to handle.

He has waited for this moment to happen for so long now. There were times Tyler was crying himself to sleep because of how bad he wanted to see him. They don’t even live so far away from each other, but it never seemed like the right time, something always came up and made them obligated to cancel their plans. But here they are, seated on Josh’s sofa, watching a tv-show, and it all feels strangely familiar and natural that Tyler is almost scared.

‘You’re doing okay?’ Josh asks, once the end credits appear on the screen.

‘Yeah.’ Tyler says. ‘Just, do you mind watching the rest tomorrow? I’m too tired to watch the rest. We don’t have to sleep now but watching a series definitely doesn’t help me to stay awake.’

‘Of course. We can just go chill in my room if you want. Get ready for bed. Talk for a while.’

‘I’d like that.’ Tyler says, standing up and making his way towards the bathroom to wash his teeth.

When he makes his way towards Josh’s room, he can find him laying down on his bed. There is no additional mattress anywhere in the room, and if Tyler can feel the beatings of his heart speeding up against his chest, he certainly tries to remain impassive.

‘Oh, I didn’t have any… Didn’t have any other mattress, but I can sleep on the sofa if-’ Josh starts, as if he’s reading Tyler’s mind.

‘No, don’t worry. It doesn’t bother me. At all.’ He says, with a small smile.

He’s laying down next to him and closes his eyes for a few seconds. He can feel Josh busying himself next to him, making the mattress move but he doesn’t really think anything of it until this song resonates in his room. It has a special meaning for the both of them, and he slowly opens his eyes to give his best-friend another smile.

_I’m stuck inside of these lines I drew. I didn’t speak but I always knew, that I was too far gone. Can you ever be too far gone?_

Tyler closes his eyes a second time, trying to focus on the singer’s voice, and thinking of the first time his life crossed Josh’s. He wasn’t the happiest boy back then. Josh wasn’t either. But somehow, talking to him instantly felt liberating. He doesn’t think he felt that way for someone else since that day.

_Never mind the things I said before. I overstated and I shouldn’t have sworn. That I’m too far gone. Can I ever be too far gone? Too far gone._

‘Do you remember the first time we talked?’ Tyler asks.

‘Of course, I do.’ Josh instantly says. ‘I was so in love with your poetry that I had to send you something.’ He adds, and Tyler smiles.

‘I’m really glad you did.’ Tyler only answers.

‘I’m really glad I did, too.’

_For you to save me, save me. How couldn’t you see that I was crazy? Can we start from the beginning now? It feels like I’m really living now. Maybe, maybe everyone’s a little bit jaded. Can we start from the beginning now? It feels like I’m really living now._

‘Tyler?’ Josh asks, shyly.

‘Yeah?’

‘You do know our friendship means the world to me, right?’

Josh’s voice seems way more fragile than a few seconds ago and Tyler frowns but eventually nods, still smiling.

‘I do.’ He only answers.

‘I just… You need to know that. I couldn’t stand to… To lose you. You’ve done so much for me during the past three years. I just don’t know what I… Where I would be at if you hadn’t been there.’

_They always preached it was black and white. So how come somewhere in the middle feels right. Are we too far gone? Can I ever be too far gone?_

‘Josh, this is a two-way relationship, you know.’ Tyler adds. ‘I know I’m not talking about myself too much. I know I’m more secretive than you are, but it’s just the way I am. It doesn’t mean I’m not grateful for your friendship. I am.’

‘I know.’

‘But do you, really?’ Tyler asks, placing one of his hands on Josh’s shoulder.

‘Yeah.’ He repeats. ‘I think I do.’

_Am I arrogant, should I not assume that the answer’s mine, it can’t belong to you. Am I too far gone? Can I ever be too far gone?_

The both of them stay silent for a while. Tyler lets his hand slide from his shoulder to his back, letting his forefinger tracing small patterns on his tee-shirt. It doesn’t seem to bother Josh, so Tyler only goes on, slowly reaching his neck. At this point, Josh’s eyes are closed, and a small smile appears on Tyler’s face when he notices this one seems to really enjoy it.

Josh’s face is mesmerizing. It always has been, but seeing it for real only makes it more captivating. The way a few strands of his blue hair are always falling down onto his forehead, those black gauges he’s always wearing, his nose piercing. Everything about him is mesmerizing.

_For you to save me, save me. How couldn’t you see that I was crazy? Can we start from the beginning now? It feels like I’m really living now. Maybe, maybe everyone’s a little bit jaded. Can we start from the beginning now? It feels like I’m really living now._

When their eyes finally meet, Tyler notices Josh keeps glancing at his lips and he simply smiles at him, his hand now on his cheek, before drawing closer to him to press his lips against his.

And there are no fireworks, no weird spark like in the movies. It’s not anything like that. It just feels strangely familiar, almost natural, and the knot in his stomach only tightens a little bit more.

_It feels like I’m really living now._

At first, Josh remains impassive and for a few seconds, Tyler almost finds himself thinking that maybe, this was a mistake, that he shouldn’t have taken their relationship to a new level. Maybe it wasn’t his place to do that. Maybe he should have waited for Josh to give him a real sign. But then, Josh’s lips are finally moving against his and Tyler can’t help but to smile in the kiss, placing his hand in the back of his neck to deepen it.

They go on kissing for a few minutes, until Tyler decides to lead this moment into something more. He’s climbing on top of Josh but as soon as his hips touch Josh’s, his best-friend’s whole-body tense and the next thing Tyler knows, he’s being pushed to the other side of the bed. Josh sits back straight and runs his two hands through his blue hair, and Tyler knows him enough to realize that it means his anxiety is taking over.

‘I can’t… I can’t do this.’ Josh says. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘It’s completely fine.’ Tyler instantly answers. ‘I’m sorry. I should have known. I thought… I thought there was something there.’

‘No, Tyler, you’re… You don’t understand. You’re fine. I do like you, I just… I can’t do this.’

‘Why is it?’ Tyler asks, sitting next to him.

‘I just can’t do this, Ty. Whatever you think you want… You’ll change your mind.’

‘What does make you think I will?’

‘I… If I tell you, can you promise me not to judge me?’ Josh says, after a while.

‘Josh, I won’t ever judge you, and you know that.’

‘It’s just… Sexuality… Sexuality is so hard for me. I’m constantly wondering if… The idea of having sex with someone, it… I just don’t know if I’m… I mean, I’m always like… I just can’t explain it, Tyler, it’s so fucked up. I’m so fucked up.’

‘No, listen, Josh, look at me.’ Tyler says, waiting for his best-friend to look up to go on. ‘You’re not fucked up. You’re just confused. You have every right to be confused. Can you try and be a little more specific for me? So, I can understand better?’

‘I’m always asking myself a thousand questions about it. Like, am I asexual? Am I demi-sexual? Do I just not feel like having sex? And then I’m always wondering… Wondering how the hell I’m gonna explain this to someone I want to date. Because I do. I do want to be with you, I just… I just know that nothing good is ever going to come out of this.’

‘And how can you be so sure?’ Tyler asks.

‘Just think about it, Tyler!’ Josh answers, raising his voice. ‘What If I’m asexual?’

‘What if you are?’

‘Then, you’ll… You won’t be able to do anything. You have… You have needs, that maybe I don’t have. How… How are we even going to make it work? If I’m asexual… And if this is something we’re doing… You and I. You’ll just… You’ll end up being frustrated with me, I know that. Because I want it, Tyler. I want every part of it. I want to date you. I want our relationship to be exclusive but… Am I even entitled to ask you this?’

‘Why wouldn’t you be?’

‘Because maybe I won’t ever want to have sex with you. And I can’t take that away from you.’

‘Josh, I want it, too. Sex has never been a priority for me, anyway. And yes, I like it. I won’t lie to you. I like having sex. And If you ever want it too, then I’ll be more than happy to help, but If you don’t, or at least don’t feel the need to, ever, then so be it. I don’t care. I’m in love with you. Not with what you have between your legs.’

‘What… What did you just say?’ Josh asks, dumbfounded.

‘I’m in love with you, you silly boy.’ Tyler repeats with a smile. ‘Wasn’t I clear enough?’

Josh lets out a small laugh and wraps his arms around Tyler’s neck, burying his face into his neck.

‘How are you going to… You know. If I can’t give you what you need.’

‘Josh, you and I both know there are other ways to satisfy those needs. I can take care of it on my own.’

‘Oh… Yeah. Of course. But maybe it won’t be enough for you.’

‘It will.’ Tyler contradicts him. ‘It will be enough. You will be enough. Okay?’

‘Okay.’

‘Can I still kiss you? And what about cuddles?’ Tyler asks.

‘Kisses and cuddles are more than fine.’ Josh answers, smiling.

‘Good.’ He says. ‘Cause _that_ would have been an issue.’

 

**Author's Note:**

> What did you think? Don't you think the end was a little bit rushed? 
> 
> Also, the series I'm talking about is In The Flesh. Please, if you haven't heard of it, go watch it. It's amazing. You won't regret it.
> 
> Olga, thanks for being such a good friend. I hope you liked it. 
> 
> Thanks for reading :)


End file.
